DLL - Doc's Last Lan

Terms and Conditions agreement for attendees.

Original Document By Olli
Revised by "Kenzie" 1/7/00.

*** TERMS AND CONDITIONS ***

You should carefully read the following terms and conditions before attending the event unless you have a different agreement agreement signed by Doctee, or his mum. Your attendance of the event indicates your acceptance of these terms and conditions.

* TERMS *

Within this document certain words are used, their meanings within the scope of this document are defined below.

"Geeks"
Those without real friends - ie. those who seek online companionship.

"Event"
The near-annual meeting of said "geeks" at Westfield Community Centre, Hinckley.

* AGREEMENT *

By attending the event, the Geeks promise to abide by the following conditions:

The Geeks


1. The Geeks will not pursue/partake in Uber-Geeky activities such as talking about network performance, comparing operating systems or swapping screenshots of their desktop.

2. The Geeks will not assume the persona of a non-geek for the duration of the event. It is known that all invitees of the event are geeks and attempting to deny this by acting like a Normal Person is prohibited.

3. The Geeks who are aware of their light-weightedness shall not drink amounts of alcohol with which they believe they will be unable to cope. For Example - "Ruiner" shall not drink more than one (1) pint of lager/beer derivative OR more than one (1) shot of a "spirit".

4. The Geeks will not pursue activities unsuitable for a heterosexual adult. Activities such as "Anal Rape" or "Anal Gang Banging" are strictly prohibited. Talk of such activities is also actively discouraged. Let this notice serve as a warning to attendees such as UnZiP who are known to enjoy such discussions.

5. The Geeks will not make fun of The Host's girly hair or otherwise woman-like features.

6. Each Geek must make at least one (1) attempt to vandalise Vulcan (or the nearest "comedy" player)'s computer. Valid vandalisation techniques include changing the default association for all files to play pr0n MPEGs and other "amusing" changes to his operation system.

7. In the case of a "female" being present, drool must be either:
i) stopped at the source
ii) caught in a suitable container

UPDATE: This also applies to "Virtual" females, see #18.

8. Aure can only come if she shows olli her "perfect tummy".

9. "Females" attending the said "event" *traditionally* are required to be spied upon by "Ruiner" when waking up and getting out of sleeping bags. If you are a "female" and at any point need to get out of your sleeping bag, you must indicate this to "Ruiner" by letting out a short noise, as if you were making the jump to the quad from the shaft plat on DM4. "Hup!". "Ruiner" will then pretend not to have heard but perv at you in a state of undress. If "Ruiner" is unable to do this (by having broken AGREEMENT (3) and is unconcious in a pile of his own vomit), you must stay in your sleeping bags until his is in a fit state to spy.

10. You may not steal DocTee's girlfriend. Or DocTee's girlfriend's boyfriend (see rule (5)).

11. Pr0n must be openly shared at the event, over windows networking protocols. If you have a weird sexual fetish (Scatlovers, Foot fetish, Faked Picard Anal Pictures etc), are required to state loudly to all present "If you are leeching my pr0n - none of it is mine, I got it off Zip).

12. If you suspect any fellow "Geek" to be using unfair tactics in said Wolf3D derived first person shooter games, such as using an aimbot, you must slyly accuse them first over the game, then by using your "Voice". Be warned, this may result in a barage of "Sarcasm" by the said accused party.

13. If you have a big car, you must park it in an awkward place, preferably across 3 or more "normal" car places, and keep quiet when the "Host" asks who's car it is.

14. Ready up when you are told to, or you'll have to sit in the corner.

15. Refrain from typing "LOL" with as much frequency as over the medium of Internet Relay Chat - as you could be "caught out" by other members, who noticed you typed it but did not, in fact, "Laugh Out Loud".

16. This applies for "ROFL"/"ROTFL"/"ROTFLMAO"/"KJÖFOLROTFOLMAO" or any derivatives, unless the party is indeed "Laughing out Lound Rolling On (The) Floor Laughing His/Her Ass Off".

17. Dr Pepper must be drunk by the "Geeks" through out the LAN. The "Host" or the "Host"'s immediate family may punish "Geeks" randomly who do not have brown tongues and stinking breath at any point.

18. ORLA.AVI / ORLA.TXT / Baby One More Time.mpeg must be "Loop" played/read repeatedly by the "Host" while the said geeks crowd round one monitor. Please refer to DROOL regulation #7.

19. The "Host" must say "MWIWLK!" and acknowledge that he cannot say "Moo" correctly because he's from the "Midlands" and he can't help it.

20. "Linux" or any derivatives will NOT BE TOLERATED in any sense. You'll all use Windows 98 and enjoy your 50 ping and 100% packet loss. This includes any reference to "Tux" the penguin.

21. You must at least once (1) make a direct quote of "Love Trek-The Next Degeneration", preferably in every conversation you may hold.

22. All participants must connect to a local IRC server and change their nicks (either by away script or /nick) to |sleep |dwunk |qw |q2. to facilitate people interested in performing rule #6.

23. You must copy every MP3 regardless of duplicates, so you go home with a full hard drive, safe in the knowledge that you have "Britney Spears - Ooops I Did It Again.mp3" thirty four times, with different naming formats, spelling mistakes and regional variations.

24. If there is a tournament of any kind.. enter it, even if you dont have the game installed, and wouldnt play it even if you had.

25. Spend half the weekend reinstalling Windows and "doing my config".

26. Shrug when anyone asks you what a game is like, and say you haven't played it, as you warezed it when it was 0day and didnt ever extract it.

The Host


1. The host will provide a warm/dry environment for the sole purpose of playing first person shoot-em-up Wolf3D-Clone computer games. Anybody wishing to play other computer games or partake in other indoor activities does so at their own risk. The host does not accept any responsibility for "being out of breath" or "getting a stitch" when people choose to leave their designated chair.

2. The host will provide running water and a basic but clean sleeping area.

3. The host will provide a basic network infrastructure and power supply. There are no guarantees to the quality of the network or the suitability of it for the playing of games. Similarly there are no guarantees to the quality of the power supply. Frequent power outages are expected as they are at any Geek Event.

Hinkley / Hinckeley / HiNcKl3H


1. If you experience weakness during the LAN you may need "food". You may "download" or buy (similar to E-COMMERCE) food items from the local McDonalds restaurant. Since there is no internet connection provided by THE HOST you must travel to the local shop. Along the way you must:-

  • Ask for directions AT LEAST twice on the way there
  • Be involved in a near accident
  • Ask for directions AT LEAST three times on the way back
  • Buy 3 or more CheeseBurgers and eat them in the car

    2. You must drive to HINCKLEY with a dangerously overloaded car, banging the exhaust pipe on the tarmac at the slightest bump or dip

    3. Require two and a half miles of continuous braking to come to a complete stop.

    4. Make sure your passengers are as uncomfortable as possible with a 19 inch monitor on their laps, and assuming the fetal position, in the boot of the car, as you explain the subltle nuances of your "config", why they will never beat you on DM4.

    5. Say "I've got [this track] on MP3" at every song that comes on the radio, and then tell the passenger(s) the (amusing) story of how you got it.

    These terms and conditions are preliminary and may be changed at any time, entirely at the discretion of The Host.
















































    [15:40:16] <olli> lol
    [15:40:24] <olli> kenzie "revises" the dll and removes my name from it completely :P
    [15:40:24] <olli> thanks kenz
    [15:41:14] <doc> lol
    [15:41:20] <doc> your name was never in it anyway olli
    [15:41:24] <olli> it was
    [15:41:27] <doc> it wasn't
    [15:41:32] <olli> even so